How To deal with loneliness
There’s no doubt that social distancing is important these days. But that doesn’t change the fact that many of us are struggling with the loneliness of sheltering in place. You may be finding yourself at a loss for how to manage these tough feelings.
We typically think of loneliness as a byproduct of lacking connection with others. And while yes, we are social beings who thrive best when we have loving relationships with other humans, loneliness isn’t just about our lack of available connections. It’s possible to feel lonely in a crowd full of people, and conversely, it’s possible to feel completely content when alone.
Loneliness is also about being disconnected from ourselves. Not having a good relationship with ourselves can have us longing for something more (which we usually try to find in other people). Here are some signs that your relationship with yourself could use some TLC.
1) It’s difficult to show up authentically in your relationships with others. If it feels as though you have to excessively filter yourself or behave a certain way around others, there’s a good chance you’re stifling authentic self-expression. Many of us learn to function this way as a result of relational trauma. We may have internalized the belief that being ourselves is not okay. The problem is, that all humans have a fundamental need to be feel fully heard and understood by others. When we are not shown by others that we are understood, we can feel disconnected, alone, and ashamed. We all filter ourselves to varying degrees depending on how safe we feel in our relationships, But the more we are able to really show up as ourselves, the greater our connection and intimacy with others will be.
2) You’re afraid of your internal experience and lacking in self-compassion. Each one of us has a unique and complex inner world that consists of thoughts, emotions, sensations, urges, memories and more. But too many of us fear being alone with any aspect of our inner experience for too long. We have become quite creative in our behaviors of distraction, avoidance and numbing that allow us to never really have an intimate connection with ourselves. You may even feel dependent on others to take care of you in times of pain or stress because you feel ill-equipped to manage it yourself. Reconnecting with yourself to become aware of your internal experience, and to learn how to have self-compassion for yourself in times of struggle allows you to create a sense of comfort and support in difficult times.
3) . You’re not embodied. This may sound unbelievable at first, but many of us don’t regularly have a felt sense of our own bodies. For people who spend most of their time living in theirs heads, it can be very difficult to be aware of or in touch with signals from your body. This can range from mild to severe, and can look like not being able to identify emotional experiences, misreading hunger and fullness cues, or ignoring physical pain. For some they may even feel separate from their bodies, or as life around them is unreal. Disconnecting from our bodies is a coping mechanism born out of a lack of bodily safety. We can reconnect with ourselves by learning to read our body cues and what it needs to thrive.
4) You dont know who you are, what you value, or what brings you joy. Particularly in adolescence, its normal to be confused about our sense of identity, and to “try on”different hobbies, belief systems, and ways of being in the world. But if you’ve reached adult hood and are not sure if your values are actually you’re own, or what you’ve internalized from society, it may be time for some self-reflection. When we do the soul searching and figure out what our individual values and joys in life really are, it’s easier to be our own best company.
5) You believe there is something fundamentally different about you. If you can relate to thoughts such as “what’s wrong with me?” “Why can’t I be normal like everyone else?” “Why am I the only one struggling like this?” “I’m just not meant to be happy like other people”, this is egocentric thinking (The word egocentric carries a lot of negative connotations. I’m not using this word to shame anyone, we ALL exhibit this style of thinking. It just appropriately highlights the hyper focus on oneself). This type of thinking inherently fails to see the greater connection we have with all of humanity. Suffering is a part of the human experience. It can be easy to assume that other people have more fun, don’t struggle with difficult emotions, or don’t experience dark thoughts. Recognizing our common humanity means we are able to see ourselves as part of the whole. That doesn’t necessarily take away our suffering, but it does allow us to feel less alone or ashamed for merely being a struggling human like the rest of struggling humans.
If any of these resonated with you, this may be an opportunity to begin tuning into your own needs, learning more about your inner world, and finding ways to be your own support. The goal isn’t to become completely self-reliant. Relationships will always be an important part of our well-being, but in this time when we have less access to genuine connection, self-awareness, self-compassion, and self-support can go a long way.
Services offered at Karly Hoffman King Therapy in Cleveland Heights OH